Unpacking Your Bags
by galapogos
Summary: What happens in Chasing Dogma to make that uppity religious woman think there's hanky panky afoot on the Greyhound?


Here's to appease my muse. Gobren wants to see what happens when I post something on ff.net. 

So, me being me, I was thinkin': When that bitch on the bus in Chasing Dogma says "It's the devil's business and I didn't pay a total of forty-eight ninety-two so my boy can hear the lurid moans and groans of two men mocking the natural law of God Himself a mere six feet away from where he's reading his Mooby comics!" what were those "lurid moans and groans" she was hearin'? 

Hmmm... 

Title: Unpacking Your Bags 

Author: starlastumbleine 

Fandom: View Askewniverse 

Feedback: starlastumbleine@yahoo.com 

Archive: Te-hee. Sure, go ahead. Drop me a note, though. 

Rating: Um, we'll say R. A dangerous R. 

Series/Sequel: None. 

Spoilers: For Chasing Dogma, the Oni Comic compiliation of the Jay and Silent Bob comics one through four. 

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Ain't profiting. Don't sue me. 

Notes: Takes place at the beginning of part two of Chasing Dogma. 

****** 

This selfish joy that came with letting Jay do whatever he wanted was only sweetened by the reactions of the uppity individuals his blond-haired companion elicited from his feats of gigantic stupidity. 

And thus, with this in mind, he let the boy lead him to Shermer Illinois. With the same thoughts, he dug his lighter out of his pocket and followed Jay to the bathroom at the back of the Greyhound, ignoring eyes and glances, people and objects. If you looked like you knew what you were doing, the other animals would not observe. 

Indeed. 

Jay glanced left, then right, then behind, eyes narrowed, determined set to his jaw, head down at an angle. He nodded to Silent Bob. 

And stepped into the bathroom. 

Bob followed quickly and somehow managed to smoothly pull the squeaky plastic door closed behind him. It clicked shut and he flipped a latch, locking it. 

"Uugh!" Jay's head fell back and hit the wall with a hollow thud. He pulled his knit cap from his head with a jerk, unsheathing the shimmering gold atop his head and running a frustrated hand through it. "Fuckin' BUSSES! We're gonna be here for *Fuckin'* Ever!" 

Bob shrugged and leaned against the opposite wall, digging a hand into a different pocket of his trench, searching for rolling papers. Jay sighed and rocked his head to the side to look at Bob, watch him concentrate on digging through pockets, calm and subtly amused as always. 

And so he just had to smile at him. Fat man with a beard and boyish charm. Yeah. Locked in a bathroom with Silent Bob. Ooh, this had insult potential written all over it. Heh. 

*Bam* *Bam* *Bam* 

Jay slammed his butt into the plastic wall a few times, kicking it with the heel of one boot for emphasis. 

Bob's head shot up. What the fuck are you doing? 

Jay grinned at him and threw his head back, keening at full volume. 

"Uuuuhhhhnn!!! Yes! Yesyesyes-Yes!!" 

Hip jut to every yes, slamming against the plastic wall. 

Bob was more than slightly shocked to motionlessness. Possessed. Could Jay be possessed? Like, 'Exorcist' possessed? 

Jay stuffed his cap in his jacket pocket real quick and reached up to the low ceiling, both hands flat on it, head still back, eyes closed, writhing against the wall, legs out and braced, still slamming. 

"Oh-OH YES! YES, SILENT BOB, YES! HAR-HAR-HARRRRDER! DO ME HAAAARDER! Unh-unh-uhn-yes!-yes!-yes!-" 

Bob shook himself and leaned forward a bit - not too far, wasn't like they were down the hall from each other or anything - and hissed "the *FUCK* are you *doing?!* We're gonna-" 

"OHYEEESSS! Gonna! Gonna gonna gonnagonnagonna COME!" He slammed his boot flat on the wall, three solid back-kicks. Kick "YES!" kick 

"YeS!!" kick "YEEESSSSSSS!!!" 

HO-lee shit. 

Bob started doing calculations in his head. What time did they leave? 

Jay grinned at him. 

Bob's eyes darted in thought. Okay, how long had they been driving for? 

Jay pulled his hands from the air and dug a bag of grass out of his pocket. 

What state could they be in? How many state lines had they crossed? 

Jay thrust the bag in front of Bob's face. 

Lewd act in a public place (or was this private property - they had paid for it - corporate property?), illegal drugs (how much were they carrying right now?), trafficking over state lines (dammnit, *how many* state lines?!) - they'd be screwed. Wouldn't get out for *years.* 

Numbly he pulled out the papers he'd found and started rolling a joint at Jay's command as the blond pulled his cap back on, tucking in hair and ears. 

Toking up in a public(?)/private(?) place. Not just carrying - use and possession. Ugh. Felonies, dammnit, felonies! 

Jay swung around suddenly, fast as he could in the small space and threw himself against the wall, belly-to-plastic and started making a ruckus again. 

He slammed and ground his hips much more effectively against the wall this time and started *moaning.* 

"Ooohh.... oh, oh, oh, Silent Bob, Bob you're so *big,* unnnhhh...." 

Bob's eyes widened. Concentrating. Rolling Joint. Paper. Weed. Rolling Joint. 

"OOH! Oh, BOB! You DOG, you! Ruff!" he barked, then growled, then *yelped* - a sound that made Bob jump slightly, spilling a few papers, letting them flutter to the floor. Paper. Joint. Weed. Roll... 

"MMMM!!! Mmm, yes, Bob, yes... c'mon you- you you" the movement halted for an all-too-short moment "you *CockMonster,* you! Ru-ruff!!" he barked again. 

Uh. Roll. J-joint. Rrollll... joint? 

"Unh, oh, yes, yesyesyes, *Bob* oh, Bob. *Lunchbox,* oh, yes, I- I never knew you, OH- OH YES! Oh, oh, do it to me, baby! Do it again- yeah, yeah that, that again, right- RIGHT THERE!" more frantic slamming "oh YES!" 

With shaking hands and a glimmer of success fluttering away from him quickly, Bob lit the joint and took a *long* *hard* *pull* on it. 

He tapped Jay on the shoulder, stopping the slamming and wall shaking for a moment. Jay looked over his shoulder and half-turned to accept the blunt. He took a pull or two and passed it back, a stupid-silly grin plastered to his face. He blew the smoke out in a rush suddenly and slammed his full body against the wall a few times, 'coming' evidently. Bob took another hit and let his head droop to his chest. This could go on forever. Or at least until a highway trooper had them cuffed and in the back of a patrol car. Then again, there were those fence things that separated the front and back seats in those things and if you shook them they- 

Jay flipped back around and plucked the joint from Bob's hand, pulling on it again. He started jumping around some. Silent Bob rolled his eyes. 

Well. It didn't seem like Bob was enjoying their sex. 

Jay's grin became comically maniacal and he clicked his tongue. He and Bob took the last few pulls from the joint and he flicked the remains in the toilet, flushing, and just when Bob thought that marked the end of things, 

Jay slammed him against the wall- 

and started humping for all he was worth. 

"OH, OH BOB!" he ground, humped, humped, humped "Three- THREE TIMES?! NO, oh GOD no! Nononono-YEEEES! Oh, YES! Oh, LUNCHBOX!" Bob tried pushing him away shoving, smacking, almost punching, all to no avail. Jay was a goddamn slippery creature and he kept slipping from Bob's grasp, sliding away unhindered, not bothered at all, frantic and twitchy and all over him and inches away all at the same time. 

"BooOOOOBBB!!" he threw his arms in the air and grinned like a fool, shaking his head and proclaiming cheesily: "Make MAD love to me Bob! I'm a FOOL for you!" all of which was followed by more humping and thrusting and moaning and groaning. 

Jesus fucking Christ they'd been 'humping' back here forever. Poor, pathetic schmucks in the back seats were all gonna be suing for the cost of therapy for *years.* 

And still Jay pinned him there, rubbing him raw, pressing against him, and, shit, if he didn't know better, still pent up from that encounter with Trish this this morning. 

Fuck if that didn't feel like at least some interest from that frequently-abused dick of his. 

All sorts of abused, himself, here, Bob just wanted Jay to get it the fuck over with so he might walk out of his *life* with a scrap of dignity when he was old someday. 

So on an impulse, he bucked back once and screamed: "Bitch! Come on already! Come for me! Come DAMN-" slam "IT" slam "*COME!*" slammed his ass back into his side of the wall and this earned him a laughing moan of approval. Jay shouted and thundered some more before 'coming' again and falling back to the other side of the bathroom, panting. Panting like hell, actually. He nodded and smiled at Bob, and sure as shit he saw the mischief dancing in those amused eyes gazing right back into his soul. 

Suddenly his cheeks went flaming red and a bashful chuckle rumbled through him. He shook his head as Silent Bob began to laugh with him. 

He pulled the bag of weed back out and tossed it to Bob. 

Sighs and a good laugh, they lit up again. 

They had a good ten minutes of peaceful pot smoking before there was a slam at the door and the bellowing of that bitchy bus driver... 

.end. 


End file.
